There a few of you who are still coming by and I have to say this: We are a dwindling group. So let's get to know each other. First off, I am really curious about a few readers who have been coming by for the past four years and never dropped a line. For the first one, I only know you in some way because you've been coming by on a school address. Now, don't blush, but if you go to University of Sheffield in England, believe it or not, you're one of my best readers. You have survived -- what was it? -- three address changes and I'm just dying to know: 1) What are you studying and 2) do you eat crumpets? Please email me and tell me about yourself. Dying to know. The first time I noticed you was when your IP said "shef" and I thought that was a dope rapper name. At the time, the site had a lot of people coming in from England, but yours stuck out because, well, though Shef sounds cool, Sheffield... Sheffield doesn't really seem like someone who drags his knuckles and grunts with street credibility. I figure people from England come by the site whenever they google words like "colour" or "honour" or "practise" or... "crumpet".
So, you know, the usual: Tell me how you came by, whether you're it's hot, what you had for breakfast, etc.
We might as well! I feel like we know each other, Shef. Well, you know everything about me. And I know that you are either a male or female and probably have hair.
Second on my list: Now, I only notice YOU guys because everytime I post, my site slows down. How do you mobilize like, 300 people in Alabama to visit the site? Is there nothing else to do there? There's no movie theatre or something? I'm not kidding: When I posted on this page earlier this month, I couldn't check to see what I wrote a couple of hours later. I called my Internet guy and he said something about an "abnormal influx of activity". I told him I never have that much fun. He thought that was funny. (But I was serious.) He said, "Well, looks like they do in Alabama!"
So you guys are, what, all related? Part of an underground movement of some kind? Please tell me you're not KKK and orchestrating some way to kill me. (My best friend has blond hair and blue eyes!! Can you stop the mission now?) Or are you a bunch of Google bots?
I'm guessing I'm not going to get a response about this either way.
Third: My homeboy from Hawaii. What's up? I've been there before. What's it like living there?
Okay. Last on my list. You are a girl, single, gorgeous, and in love with me. Just kidding. I don't have THAT good of a web counter. My sister doesn't like it when I joke like this, because it makes me look perverted, stupid, and desperate. Why does it have to be "hot" she asks? Why can't it be, "If you're a good-natured, sweet individual" etc. But for some reason this is hilarious to me. And everyone knows I'm joking, right? (Unless you are hot.) (Then I'm not joking.) (I'm hoping my sister skips over this secret encryption that I've coded in parentheses.)
I log onto FaceBook because it's hilarious. You have the creation of things like "FunWalls" and "SuperWalls" and "Pokes" and "Hatching Eggs". I like it when someone freaks out and writes on their "Status": STOP SPAMMING MY $#%^$&**@ FUNWALL!!! You sit there, laughing, because this guy is genuinely angry. You suppose you understand: If your FunWall isn't fun anymore, there's nothing else to live for. And so you try to drum up some forward to put on his FunWall because, hey, whose fun are we talking about here?
I saw this message today, one of those forwards that are annoying because, well, just read:
IF U WERE KILLED TOMORROW, I WOULDNT GO 2 UR FUNERAL.....CUZ ID B N JAIL 4 KILLIN DA (expletive) THAT KILLED U!
WE TRUE HOMIES
WE RIDE TOGETHER
WE DIE TOGETHER
send this GUN to everyone you care about including me if you care. C how many times you get this, if you get a 13 your A TRUE HOMIE
So this gun is drawn in ASCII with a bullet (represented as ==D) shooting out of its barrel. Send this gun to everyone you care about. If being a true homie has something to do with sending out a message that pledges allegiance to an immediate prison sentence so that you can see whether 13 of your comrades are equally, blindly vengeful and bent in the pursuit of affirming this idiocy online, then you can count me out. I think "true homies" need a better life agenda.
The other thing is this "In A Relationship" option. I don't know if people know that we all see the notification for when you are "Single" to "It's Complicated" to "Single" back to "It's Complicated" to... I have someone on my list whose relationship status changes daily. I don't know if this person is caught unaware that we're all kept up to date (on the lack of dates), or if he's just trying to get someone's attention. Well, he's sure got mine and I want to tell it to him straight: Look, you're single, it's not that complicated.
But it gets complicated if you're in a relationship.
Because there's this option of saying you're "In a Relationship" and underneath that, precisely with whom you're in one with. This is complicated. It's like introducing your girlfriend to your parents. In my experience, for some reason, the relationship dissolves shortly after. There's a seriousness that cannot be contended with and the pressure's on. I was seeing this girl and after what seemed like two days in, I received a request that came out something like: "(Girl) has notified us that you're in a relationship. Is this true?" Or something. "Accept or Decline," it intones.
Whether you were in a relationship or not, how you respond to this thing will determine it with a certain clarity.
Anyway, someone needs to explain to me what FaceBook "Pokes" do, are, and how they stand within social convention. Because you just poke someone and you can't actually attach a message to it. You just poke them. My question is: When does this ever happen? Do you walk into a crowded room and poke someone, stand there, and not say anything? Just a "Hey, look at me. Okay, we're done." And this guy's response, as far as FaceBook is concerned, is to poke back. So he pokes you back. You see his poke, so you poke again. If you ask me, that's the way fist fights start.
But on FaceBook, people are content with this mute interaction which leads nowhere until one of you gets tired of it. There should be a FaceBook "Shove".
Then you might say it gets complicated.
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