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Wednesday, February 09, 2005
I have several friends that are great at computers and know what they're doing. At the time of this post, my current roommate, Eric, is helping me clean up my disk through a mysterious technique called defragmentation. Defragging if you're down. Ancient code pops up on the screen and Eric will nod and tell me to click the "OK" button. This is my job. Something pops up on my computer, and I am to either click "OK" or "CANCEL". Such intelligent machines like computers have decided to obey whatever I, someone who has problems with simple arithmetic, tell them to do. My qualm with this agreement is that I've OK'd things that have caused me incredible psychological harm. Things like, "File Unstable. Proceed anyway?" I've lost an entire English essay that way. When it comes to such deeply complicated machines, it scares me when it's always "OK" or "CANCEL". I need a few more options. A popular one would be "Just Make The Decision For Me, Preferrably One That Will Not Erase Everything On My So-Called Hard-Drive". I find OK and CANCEL is a little like YES and NO. I'm okay with yes and no questions as long as the questions are easy. Like, "Do you want to bash your head several times against a wall?" Immediately, I can think of several reasons why this is not a good idea. (It'll totally mess up my hair.) CANCEL. "Do you want ice cream?" OK. "Permanently Remove and Delete MSN Messenger?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!!!!! I mean, CANCEL. But it's never that easy. I'd like the OK/CANCEL simplicity if it was life, though. Life should be this easy. Sometimes I get in conversations with people and I'm at a point where my foot is in mid-trajectory to my mouth. Precisely at this moment, I wish a window would pop up and say, "Is This Really Where You Want To Be? Press OK or CANCEL." I click cancel and I could immediately start the whole conversation over. Think of how handy this function is on dates. The Social Mulligan. Speaking of dates, some people desperately want one for Valentine's Day. Let me first impress on you the idea that being single is a good thing. That's what my sister tells me anyway. If you don't buy that and still want a girlfriend, I will lend my help. First, take a piece of paper and cut out the outline of a chicken. Make the chicken big. Then take some red paper and cut out a heart shape. Glue them together so the heart looks like the chicken's throbbing heart. On it, write this poem: Hello, (insert name), tell me what's kickin' This is a card that is shaped like a chicken It's Chinese New Year, thus making it safer For me to be "chicken" and ask you out on paper I can write these words as long as they aren't spoken Cuz who's ever been hurt by Please don't give me the line that you want to be just friends I mean, if you don't want to date me, can we just pretend? I got a free voucher to the movies, so what do you say? I get free popcorn too; the $8 ticket is all you have to pay Or $10 if you want some popcorn and you force me to share I'll be generous since it's Valentine's Day, and love is in the air Look, you just can't go wrong with something like this, man. Let me know how it works out for you. I get all misty-eyed and proud thinking of all you guys wooing that girl with the same trade secrets that I, with my deep experience and manly sauve, might also use if the Social Mulligan was ever invented. I mean, if I had the time. Update: Thanks to a diligent reader, Jenny, from The Avocado, who has sent along a sample E-Card, for the lonely and timid who feel they need a little more help. 
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