A good test for whether something is manly is if you could picture a rapper proudly bragging about how: good he is at it, how many he has of it, how much he can get of it. For instance, pushing weights. That’s very manly and many rappers will gladly inform you that they can, at no exagerration, shift tectonic plates if they so wished. This is vitally important to rap, because lifting big things, which produces big muscles, goes a long way to help lip articulation, breath control, and lyrical thought.
Another manly thing would be basketball. For some reason, basketball is the most masculine sport for rappers, even though shooting the ball correctly requires an excess of effeminate wrist-bending. No matter. They make up for this by sweating, trash-talking, and acquiring big muscles, all the while allowing their wrists to hang floppily like a valleygirl dressed in pink.
Essentially, what I’m saying is that if something is seen as universely manly, rappers will probably rap about it. But being manly is not simply a question of astronimical power, at least, not to rappers. To illustrate: Fast cars are cool; somehow, rocketships are not.
Now, Amos (who I think, by this post, has become the most referred to person on my site, much to the annoyance of Linda, who is the second runner-up) is hip hop fashion savvy. Not only that, he can also rap, whenever his confidence, oscillating from the size of a skin pore to a green pea, allows him to do so. But Amos is cool because his pants easily drape the Petronas Towers (which is a privilege he exercises on the occasion they need to dry), and because, now this is the important part, he wears Air Force Ones.
Why does he wear these? Because of the manliest rapper of all, who, knowing he is the manliest, chose himself the very manly name of ‘Nelly’. (Which is Latin for, “Whoa, nelly! That guy is manly.”) Nelly, being a deeply brooding poet, graced all hip hop charts with his then-new song called “Air Force Ones”. This happened at a time when many would have thought, given Nelly’s prior lyrical genius, that the song was an expression of patriotism, proudly supporting his country in a war in which he, being a profound scholar, is familiar with all the dynamics and nuances. But after 3 minutes into the music video, which is situated entirely in a shoe store, and was, as is often the case, packed with hot girls, a noted fact since Nelly is also a degree-carrying social scientist, you begin to realize that the song is founded on the very noble and mature inspiration of having an expensive, brand-name shoe.
This is truly art in its highest form: superficiality and high-school greed. I don't remember the last time I was so inspired by a basketball shoe that I was driven to dedicate several lines of poetry to it.
Which leads me to the central point of this post, which needs a disclaimer. Before I get in trouble with the Email Vigilantes, I'd like to point out that I am not saying being manly is cool or more desirable. If I think something isn't manly, it does not mean that you cannot think differently. And, if, say, figure skating is a sensitive issue with you, and you vehemently adhere to the belief that it is a manly sport which roars with testosterone, please discontinue reading.
Some of my friends, who I think I should point out are girls, think figure skating is manly. They argued, in a lengthy debate, “Look, you have to have incredible quads to jump around on skates like that. That’s art, man. You have to be so strong.” Yes, yes, that’s all fine and good, but the question is: “Will anyone rap about it?”
There is a crucial moment when you realize something is devastingly effeminate (I believe I’m the first to couple ‘devastingly’ and ‘effeminate’ together) if rapping about it will destroy your career indefinitely. Which is why, to this very day, no one has made a song based entirely on figure skating. To paraphrase Jonathan in New Zealand, my little cousin, who I hear isn't so little anymore, there is something manly about guys on skates -- but that's called ice hockey.
There’s only so much you can do in rap with figure skating references. “Watch me spin this vinyl faster than Kurt Browning in a triple axel.” “I’ll keep all of you on your toes like Josee Chouinard in her ballet set.” One of the reasons why this doesn't work is because figure skating a) isn’t manly, and b) boasts such image-representing stars as Toronto’s Emmanuel Sandhu and Kurt Browning, both of whom look like they’re about to start knitting me a sweater.
The valiant Elvis Stojko tried his best to boost world appeal for figure skating by doing ridiculous sets based on tae-kwon-do themes. What was that about? He'd grunt, kick and punch, all the while completing sweaty lunges with delicate little pirouettes. If you ask me, that's a really good way to show people you're trying too hard.
Figure skating is a "sport". But I can't think of any other sports that require you to wear make-up.
If you're beginning to think I'm belittling figure skating at its core because I say it's not manly, then maybe you're putting the universal idea of manliness on a pedestal. I'm just saying it's not manly; I'm not saying it's stupid.
So to those two friends of mine, who requested to go unnamed, (though it's funny because, for two people who are so convinced it's manly, they can't possibly be embarassed to have their names attached to their opinions, can they?) I'd like to cap off the debate by saying: Figure skating is not manly. I mean, grace and elegance has never made the short-list of ‘Things To Be Conveyed’ in a rap song.
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